Before I even knew it, it's already been a month since the passing of my father.
The time flew by in a blink and I was so busy I couldn't even afford to be sad.
When I look back at it now, everything seems like a dream, it is like as if I'm still dreaming.
Taking care of my father's affairs, moving houses, arranging the related documents...
Since it was a new experience for me, since I was doing it for the first
time as a new head of the household more than ever did it feel like
going forward with tightly clenched teeth.
When I think of the funeral, I am sincerely thankful to everyone who didn't let my father feel lonely on his last journey.
I have understood that there is still plenty of warmth in this harsh world.
Although I keep telling myself that I have to become stronger, the huge emptiness would strike me again and again.
It never rains but it pours, because right after it is followed by a futile feeling leaving my heart stunned.
Even today, as I suppress questioning the sudden passing of my father, I cast my dreams away.
Unkind everyday and social lives have separated us for 8 years.
And all that there is left now is regret.
How was I supposed to know that a time given to spend with you was only up till then.
The world is cold, but it's warm. Yet even though it's warm, it's cold.
Back then, there were many times when I couldn't understand you.
Now it seems that I do a little, but I see the time that has been given to us is up.
They say you don't understand what's precious to you until you lose it.
I still can trace you in many things.
Your sonorous voice that my ears cannot forget, calling me "elder son" out of somewhere.
Your
warm hands rubbing my shoulders as you would silently come into my room
in my high school days when I would be tired of studying for the exams
until the early hours.
The stadium
where we would run together in my early childhood, when you taught me
boxing and football. Our breath storming out of our chests.
Even
a few days before the passing, after having been worried about my knee
surgery, you went to the emergency room without having told your sons a
word, because you were worried that we might get anxious in vain.
And now it really hurts that I can no longer see you, can no longer hear you, can no longer touch you.
It
hurts that I never get to express "Dad I love you" out loud, that I
never had a chance to make any memory with you after I have become an
adult.
Father,
I love you
I am sorry
From now on, rest in peace.
-----------------------
2012.02.26
Your son Kim Junsu
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Source :: http://2pmalways.com
